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By Nicole Thompson

The Movie Witch's review of "Fifty Shades Darker"

I should admit right off the bat that I am not the target audience for this movie, which really is a shame. I am a woman in her late twenties (that makes two dings there, right?) but I more often than not loathe romance films.

The "Fifty Shades" trilogy is something of a mystery to me. I understand why so many people read the books, but these movies? There should be rioting in the streets over the lack of chemistry between the two lead actors. And for a story that revolves around kinky sex, most of the scenes between Christian and Anastasia were pretty vanilla.

"Fifty Shades Darker"? More like tamer

Now, I get that there is only so much they can get away with showing in an R-rated film, but the fact that I saw practically every inch of Dakota Johnson's naked body multiple times and barely got a glimpse of Jamie Dornan's butt is enough proof that this movie was not made with women in mind. Clearly, the director thought he should get away with safe nudity that would not be questioned rather than trying to push the envelope and give the female viewers what they would really like to see.

Hint: It is most definitely not Dakota, no offense to her.

If you are unfamiliar with the story by now, "Fifty Shades" revolves around a woman who finds herself in love with a man that is simply too messed up to deal with a normal relationship. He is more accustomed to playing the role of a dominant than a boyfriend, which leads to one problem after another, considering Anastasia is about as good at listening and obeying as a teenage rebel who is given a curfew.

But, alas! Love overcomes

Or something like that. Christian finally begins to open up to Ana in this film, but the two have got a long way to go, even with how fast their relationship moves along.

I have not read any of the books and am really only familiar with the story because so many of my friends and co-workers have read it. Even after everything they had to say about it, I still was not convinced it was worth a read.

On one hand, I am impressed that a story that started out as Twilight fanfiction has come so far, but on the other, I hate how painfully obvious it is who all the characters originally were. But when you look at how much money the books and movies have made combined, well…either nobody cares, or I am in the minority that notices these things.

Can we talk about that helicopter scene?

Anyone who has seen the movie knows exactly what I am talking about. If you have yet to, I will give you a little spoiler. Christian is out flying around in his helicopter, like I imagine all billionaires do, when something goes wrong. Something, I have no idea what, but the thing is suddenly on fire and he is about to crash in the middle of a forest. Next thing we know, the guy is missing. Back home, his family has come together to cope with how worried they are over him and Anastasia is a downright mess.

Then, not five minutes later, Christian shows up. Just like that, the mystery is solved. He is fine.

The whole thing seemed pointless and out of place, especially the sudden cut to Christian flying around in a damn helicopter.

This is just one of the many examples I could use when complaining about the wreck that this movie is. I am glad that people can find joy in it, even when I cannot, minus the few giggles that escaped me thanks to some of the ridiculous dialog.

The audience laughed and cheered during certain parts and, honestly? I felt a little left out. I wish that I could enjoy such mindless drivel but the lack of any serious drama and the fact that there is zero chemistry between Dakota and Jamie left me feeling like I was the one being punished.

1/5 stars

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